Simon Tam: Dragged into Drag
by Meredith Citarra
Summary: Xander decides to help Simon hide from the Alliance forces while visiting a local town.


_Self Prompt: Xander Harris & Simon Tam with the genre Drag._

 _Note: I have no idea how Xander got into space in the future, and didn't even try to explain it. Just accept it that it happened somehow. Perhaps to be explained in a future story, who knows._

* * *

 **Mandarin terms used**

I don't speak Mandarin, so I took all of these saying directly from Firefly sites that listed them as being used on the show. I was surprised at some of the sayings so used them because Firefly.

 _Kwong-juh duh_ = Nuts/Crazy

Wuh de tyen ah = Dear God in heaven.

 _Shun sheng duh gao wahn_ = Holy testicle Tuesday (Yep, they used that in the show, by Mal no less.)

 _Lao tien foo_ = Oh Lord

 _Juh shi suh mo go dohng shee_? = What the hell is this crap?

* * *

 _ **Simon Tam: Dragged into Drag**_

"They are looking for a brother and sister team, Simon. There's no way River could pass as a guy, but you're thin and have a delicate face. We put you in a dress with some make up on and you'd be two sisters out there. Completely safe from notice!" Xander said with his typical enthusiasm.

"There's no way I'd pass as a woman," Simon refused sounding incredibly skeptical.

"You want to get off this ship so you can have some rest and fresh air, but we are so close to Alliance territory you and River are going to have targets on the back of your heads. You don't have to be beautiful, you just have to _no_ _t_ look like you, a dress is the best way," Xander reasoned.

"And what about you? You look like you could be her brother too. If we go out there, why wouldn't they think you're me! You fit my description perfectly." Simon definitely had a point there.

"So I'll dress in drag too," Xander said with a shrug, "No big deal."

"Wait, _you_ will dress in drag too?" Simon looked surprised.

"Of course! I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do to keep River safe."

This seemed to calm Simon down a lot, "Ok but where do we get dresses to fit us?"

"I'm sure one of the ladies has something that would work," Xander suggested and then brought Simon with him to visit Kaylee first, knowing she liked dresses a lot more than Zoe, who would rather be dead than wear a dress, and explained his plan to her with the rapid excitement of a puppy getting to go out for a walk.

"Kwong-juh duh," Kaylee muttered and turned away from them to look through her trunk for something that might fit either man and wasn't too fancy.

"See! Even she thinks this is crazy!" Simon protested flailing his arms.

"Crazy like a fox!" Xander crowed.

"Here, try this on Simon," Kaylee said as she handed him a pink skirt and beige billowy blouse.

"Wuh de tyen ah," Simon bemoaned his fate, pulled off his shirt then putting on the blouse, then the skirt, both by pulling them over his head, which Kaylee had to admit was a great way of getting the shirt to be automatically tucked in, though as a woman the skirt would get caught on her chest and make things more difficult. "Well?" He asked and held his arms out to the side.

"Hmm, put this hat on," Kaylee gave him a pretty pink bonnet to hide his masculine hair and once it was on she smiled and nodded, "Great, now for some color." Kayle said with way too much glee and pulled out small pots of various colored powders, and a small jar of a pink cream, and brushes to apply them with.

"Wait, what about him! Get him clothes to wear first," Simon demanded.

Pausing with the powder coated brush she was just about to attack Simon's eyelids with, Kaylee sighed then turned and got a similar outfit out for Xander, "And try the long floppy hat over there," She pointed at it with the brush she picked back up.

Xander put on the items he was given, including the hat, but then he began to accessorize with scarves while Kaylee got to putting the makeup on Simon. Once Xander was dressed and Simon was made up, Kaylee added makeup to Xander as well. When they were done and looking pretty she smiled, "Come with me to see Inara, she might have some shiny for you." They followed her, Simon whining at Xander who looked like he was having fun.

"Shun sheng duh gao wahn!" Mal cursed as he saw them passing by him to get to Inara's shuttle, "What in the 'verse is goin' on here?"

Xander smiled and explained, "Me and Simon are going into town in drag to prevent River and Simon from being spotted as brother and sister."

"Lao tien foo," Mal muttered and rubbed his face, then shaking his head he just walked away from them.

Kaylee knocked on Inara's door, and when she opened it, the companion looked just as surprised as Mal had, but she was well trained enough not to say anything about it, "Xander, Simon, Kaylee, this is a surprise, come in, how can I help you?" She asked as she backed up and opened her door wider for them to enter.

"We was wonderin' if you had some pretty for them, maybe some shiny?" Kaylee asked with a wide smile.

"I'm sure I have something," Inara said and moved to look through her things. "Firstly let's start with these." She said and brought out two wigs for them which she would then patiently sit and put on each of them in turn. "Then we can move on to these." She said and got some bracelets and belts to make them even prettier, it seemed she was having fun playing dress up on the men as well.

Simon groused the entire time, especially when Inara sprayed them with perfume. "Is that _absolutely_ necessary?!"

"Yes, you smell like men too you know, but now you're perfect." Inara beamed a smile at them.

"Then lets go!" Xander said with excitement and began to lead them out of Inara's shuttle and into the main ship where they met up with River who giggled at them and spun around a bit, before putting one arm through Simon's and then the other through Xander's and tried to make them skip off the ship with her, which Simon refused to do.

Once the men in drag were out of ear shot, Mal looked to Inara as he strolled back her way and the two watched from the cat walk as the trio exited the ship, "They _do_ know River could just have gotten off the ship with you, Zoe and Kaylee, and Simon could have gone with the menfolk, right?"

"That was the plan I told Xander myself before we even landed here," Inara said.

"Then _juh shi suh mo go dohng shee_?" Mal asked.

Off the ship River and Simon headed into town together, while Xander hung back and walked with Jayne, "I told you I could get him in drag in public, Cobb, time to pay up."

Jayne let loose a long string of curses that Xander didn't understand, as he pulled out a very heavy pouch and handed the entire thing to Xander, "That's more'n you deserve, Harris, much more, but plenty worth it to see Doc all girlified!" Jayne laughed as they followed the Tams into the town center.

 _ **Jiéshù = The End**_


End file.
